Dear Jesus, Its Me

My Third grade teacher told me to write letters. In my head I said write letters? Write letters to who? I was just learning about Pen Pals at the time. Sister said write letters to Jesus. Again in my head I said write letters to who? All I knew was Mary the Mother of Jesus was the one who I prayed to. Jesus was my friend. Write letters to my friend Jesus? Yes Sister said. I guess she knew that I was going through something, Everyday I’d come to school by lunchtime I was sad. I guess it was on my face because I sure wasn’t a cry baby. At the time I didn’t have any friends. By the third grade I was deemed to be unfit to “hang out” because I was not a clean cut girl. For me, I did not think that I was poor, maybe more or less unkempt because it was so much stuff going on at home. 

No one ever told me not to tell. It was just assumed fearful of what would happen if I did. Some say feelings don’t matter. The Bible says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. But through my eyes and my heart, the rod was not spared at all. Daddy used it a lot. Nevertheless, physically it hurt but no scars were apparent enough for someone to scream “ABUSE”. The mental scars though would hold me captive for the first half of my life. 

Some things a child never forgets. It is not really what they think in their heads about it. It is always what is in their hearts which is associated with the feeling s of the mishap. For me, life was hard as I lived in fear every day. So much that fear became a part of my expectation to want to live. There were five of us children in the home. All of us experienced Daddy in a different darkness. 

Our address was 1520 north Peach Street. We moved there when I was 5 years old. I went there when we were just looking at the house with the landlord. They picked me up from school and took me there.  I ran through the house like a giddy little girl. I was so excited!  I ran upstairs to the back room. I looked out the back window and saw this gigantic tree. I was so amazed! The back yard was huge. I had never seen anything like that before. I didn’t know that it was ours. That we were going to live there. I was just excited. 

When we finally moved in, it was kind of scary so we all slept downstairs in the living room. Eventually we got our beds and our room. Mommy and Daddy slept in the front room and we slept in the middle room. Daddy used the back room as a rehearsal spot for him and the band. The house was so full of music. I felt so much joy in my heart all the times I heard the band playing. They were good too. I had never been to one of Daddy’s shows. Maybe then I was too young but I sure enjoyed the rehearsals.