As I was listening to this audiobook, they were talking about the mother wound. But they were also talking about the attachment theory and addictive behaviors. As I was pondering on what I was listening to, I thought about my childhood, and the dysfunction and the Dynamics of my family.
The book talked about the development of a child's brain during the primitive years and the types of relationships that are needed in order for the child to develop healthily socially. And so as I looked back, I see that because we were brought up in fear by my father, that we didn't even know how to connect to each other to keep each other safe. And so I found myself riddle with fear, afraid of the danger, unsafe, unloved, and understanding that I was never going to feel safe or be loved. So I sought out relationships that was supplement that that type of development. So I turned to being promiscuous looking to feel something. Whether it was food, sex, dancing, late nights, even religion. I found myself always looking for safety, and to be loved. To be cared for and to be noticed.
So being transparent here, as a widow, I found myself again being taken apart, and judged. Sometimes I feel like things are being pulled from my arms. I feel like I'm being knocked down because my legs my legs won't move. My body is stagnated because my brain disattached from my mother and my family and attached to my husband. And this turned out to be dysfunctional also. And so my brain is feeling like it needs to be attached to someone else's brain. Or I can say that I need to be attached to someone who thinks the same way I think.
But what I'm finding is is that there is no one who is on the same frequency that I am. But who I am is dysfunctional. So as a widow this is what is manifesting. I can say this as long as I was a single mother, as long as I was in a dysfunctional relationship with my husband, as long as I was having troubles in my marriage, I was desirable, people were interested in me, they always wanted to give me advice, they always have something to say. But then when I became a widow, I seem to be no longer desirable.
I am still dispensable. And which I don't want to be anymore. I try to put myself in places where I'm not dispensable, but the men on Earth, the women on earth don't see me in that manner. They don't know what to do with me so they just give me anything to do. And because I always give that 110% and do my best at what they give me, they still don't know what to do with me. And on the flip side of that I have others who put their selves in front of me because there's something that I am lacking. And that comes with widowhood. The lack of a covering. The reproach that comes with widowhood. Disgrace and shame.
The Almighty God is the defender of the widow. And little do they know that as a widow, I am the wife of the Almighty God.
Look at what the Word says:
Isaiah 54:4-5
King James Version
4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
And that's what the Word says.
And so what shall we say to these things?
That I no longer remember the reproach of my widowhood because the Almighty is my husband and Jehovah Saboath is His name. Jehovah Magen is also His name. His name is also characteristics. He is my banner and my protector. I am no longer a disgrace and full of shame. It is not my fault that he passed away.
And so since my brain has this attachment injury, I will begin to heal. You will begin to heal.
For the rest of this week I am going to post more on the attachment injury as I do more research. So that we can learn that we don't have to keep searching for love, safety, and others. We will learn to love ourselves and learn how to keep ourselves safe. We will learn how to bond with healthy relationships with people. We will learn how to bond with ourselves. Especially the widows. Because when the Bible says that we become one, it is the truth. Because when he or she passes away, it is different from divorce. And divorce the person is still alive the relationship is just broken and not able or able to be fixed. We have options. But when the person passes away, they are no longer coming back. Life with them is null and void. There is no future with them anymore. So your future has to be reshaped. Your present has to be reshaped. There is no restoration, there is regeneration. So it's almost like we need an electric shock to bring us back to life.
So what shall we say to these things?
Then we shall be healed, we shall be regenerated, we shall live and not die, that we are already redeemed.
