Do not fear. Rest assured I AM is here.

Isaiah 41:13

13 For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. 

    You always stand proud because its your Mom or Dad who fights for you. But your Mom or Dad is gone now. There is no one to fight for you. There is no one to take your hand and say to you,"Everything will be OK."You feel lost, alone, sometimes even desperate looking everywhere for someone to fill that void. 

    When my Father died, I was left so alone that I could not see my way forward. But I know always that I had the word of God at bay waiting for me to read and apply it to my life. This verse Isaiah 41:13 says that He is the Lord meaning He is the one now who takes your hand and fills that void. He will be your provider, your healer, your friend, you confidant, your companion. This is one of the verses that changed my perspective on life.  He will come when you call but you have to honor Him first. I had to do it. Now I am free. Just try Him today. Say "God, I need your help." He will give you everything you need.

God Speed

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Your Circumstances May Not change but Your Mind Can! New Year, New You!

Ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen: that ye may know and believe me, and understand that I am he: before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me. Isaiah 43:10

Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert Isaiah 43:19

Don't start this day as normal. Your circumstances may be normal but your mind is able to change. Change your the vibes in you and the people and things around you will change.

Good Morning :)
Happy New Year ❤🎉🎉🎉💫💫

He is the God of Second Chances

Sometimes you find yourself in a position where you have failed or fallen and you cannot find your way through it, or even completely out if it. But you know God always provides a way out. Which means He is truly a God of second chances. He gives you a chance to get back up and try again.

A reconciliation arising out of a change in you is not merely because the relationship has changed, but because God has given his Son as a redemptive sacrifice. Reconciliation arises therefore out of God through Jesus Christ to man so that not only the barriers of the fellowship existing in the sinful man be removed but the positive basis for fellowship maybe established through the righteous work of Jesus Christ given to man.

When my eyes began to open back in 2015, I began to realize how bad of a person I had become. I always thought I was a good person because I was a giver. I always gave away everything I had even down to the information I had on my mind that would benefit another. I would never do anything for myself. But because I was like that, people used me up to the point I had nothing left to give. When I was used up, I had become bitter and regretful. I was angry because I did not protect myself, I had let my circumstances dictate who I had become in my older adult life. It was when I had decided to learn who God was to me and the real truth about who Jesus was that I was freed and delivered.

One day I was in my room reading my Bible and the verses said to me, "Daughter your sins are forgiven." "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I will be with you always until the end of time." It blew my mind. After the life I had lived, I was empty. Nothing left in me. To hear something like this I was finally going to be healed. It is amazing! To this day, my anemia is completely gone after 25 years and as far as my SELF is concerned, I am no longer depressed. I handle all my problems without letting them sway me to the left or to the right. I pray and wait for an answer before I move. Reconciliation is real guys!

Reconciliation meets the need that is created by God's separation from a sinful person. The broken relationship between God and man is caused by sin (the things we do wrong that slowly destroy). But Jesus came to give us life and to give it more abundantly. He died to remove our sin. This in itself "Reconciliation" restores the relationship between God and us.

Reconciliation is the change if relationship between God and man based on the changed status of man through the redemptive work of Jesus.

II Corinthians 5:18- Now all things are of God who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation

Ephesians 2:16 - That He might reconcile them both to God in one body through the cross therefore putting death to sin.

All the basis of the sin relationship is removed and a complete relationship is restored.

How wonderful is that! Just think the entire purpose of Jesus' life was for Him to give of Himself to atone our sinful nature. So that we won't experience the God of wrath in whom some experienced in the Old Testament. It may seem strange that a man would give His life for me or you. But just like you think of the purpose of the people that fight the government for you everyday and one day they end up dead. They get honorable parades and awards, etc. Just like those people keep the law from taking advantage of us, Jesus died to give us life. If you could just try him to learn about Him and the Father and the Power of the Holy Spirit. Reconciliation is real guys!

II Corinthians 5:17- Therefore is anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away. Behold all things have become new.

You can't live in the present moment when the past rushes to the front to be first. Your present moment can be so clouded by your past that your present moment cannot be nurtured for the future. For those who already know, BREATHE! You have that word in you. Jesus said your sins are forgiven. He said you are of God so you hear God's words you know the truth. You abide in my word so you are indeed my disciple. The truth is making you free. I said that I do not condemn you BUT you ought not to sin anymore. Avoid those temptations. Because you follow me you shall not walk in darkness anymore. You shall have the light of life.

John 6:63- It is the spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing.

So what do we do now that we have received this gracious gift of reconciliation, the blotting out of our sin? We stop and let the Holy Spirit begin to do a work in us.

Romans 8:11- But if the spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His spirit who dwells in you.

It is God's spirit who quickens you who are spiritually dead. Spirituality does not represent death. It does not look like death. When you receive the Holy Spirit, You are renewed, regenerated and you are able to be re-created.

Romans 10:8-10- But what does it say? " The word is near you, in your mouth, and in your heart." That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
                                                           
                                                                         AND
                                                                         
Romans 8:1,2 - There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the spirit. For as many as are led by the spirit of God. These are the sons of God.

He is the God of second chances.

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Truly letting go.

Truly letting go is the hardest thing to do. You may go through all types of mental and physical trauma because you have to let go. The only reason of the trauma is because it had been a part of you for so long that is has become part of the cellular structure. Your blood line. So letting go is not going to to take just walking away. You have to clean yourself from the inside and out. To begin with the inside, make water your main source of liquid inside and out. Begin to blend and not cook your vegetables. This way your body will process that chlorophyll and sugars more easily. That is physical fasting. Then meditate to ease your mind. Begin to pray. Take back your personal space and revamp what God has made. Everything He created is good. Yup He said it in His Word. Get better. Be Better

MANIC TURKEY DAY!

Sometimes I think I am going to die from a broken heart. Always looking for someone to love me in the right way. But they have to understand me in order to love me. They can never think that I will be the same person all the time. Anyway, Today is Thanksgiving. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU AND YOURS. My experiences with Thanksgiving have never been good ones. Especially after the death of my Father which meant the death of my FAMILY. Not that I am in panic mode because I have to cook or assist cooking for a large family but the panic mode in me turns into a manic mode. I am all in my head about the fact that I really don't want to be here. I wish I was dead. It is something about this holiday, and my birthday that makes me sad, angry depressed and all the other disgruntled feelings you can imagine. I sometimes even crawl into these crying fits. I always think about the first time I had a manic episode.

1993. I was so quiet that no one even knew something was going on. I sat at the dining room table with all my friends and family laughing and joking. All of a sudden, I zoned out. I was no longer there at the table with my friends and family. I was in another zone.  Not that I planned for this to happen but it did. I left the table to go upstairs to my room. I fell into a crying fit that I could not get out of . So quiet no one even came to check up on me. I just wanted my Dad. I really missed him. I just wanted to be with him. I changed my clothes and went to sleep. I woke up. I said to myself, "I can't take this no more". My heart was done. My mind was clear. My body was ready. I got up out of my bed and went into the bathroom. I found some rubbing alcohol. I mixed with water. Before I left my room, I had taken all of the antidepressants the doctor had prescribed to me after my Father died. Two bottles of pills and then I drank the alcohol. (You are not supposed to do that mix at all it should cause devastating effects.) I laid down, went back to sleep never expecting to get up ever again. I was finally going to be free from the pain I felt in my heart. I don't remember all that happened after that. Only what people told me. I woke the next day and when I came to, I was in a hospital room in a bed. Looked around and I was seeing things/ having hallucinations. I thought I was in purgatory :). But I did not get up being thankful that I was still alive. Just like the night my Dad died, it all went quiet. I didn't know what to do now that I was still alive. Here I am Thanksgiving 25 years later and the right side of my brain is blown up like a balloon. My heart is palpitating. Head in my hand. Crying.

 I am trying my best to work through it.So to begin to change it, I decided to write about it. Not that it makes me feel any better but it releases some of the tension resonating in my body.

But I see still no one understands the pain and heartache of a person who experiences trauma, betrayal, rejection, abandonment. We can talk about it all day. We can have group sessions and community walks. We hear about it but don't take actions to actually change our minds about how we want to live not realizing that we have the rest of our lives to CHANGE IT. If I knew then what I know now, that I have the rest of my life to LIVE IN GREATNESS. Thanksgiving 2018 would be different.  I can change the way my Thanksgiving goes but the wall of rejection is up so high I can't even break it down to walk right over it. But one day, maybe today I will be able to calm down without drinking my tension tamer tea and meditating the subconscious life killing thoughts away. That takes strong self discipline. Change is hard but so far I have benefited from it.  My Dad will never come back. My family may not all get together all at one time. I may never see my old friends again. This is one day out of 365 not the rest of my life. I will be good. Because this is only a remnant of what is left over after being freed from depression and suicide. God will work it out. I put it out for all the world to read. So something has to transform. 

Anyway HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL. I pray you all stay sane in this time of year.

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Dear Jesus, Its Me

My Third grade teacher told me to write letters. In my head I said write letters? Write letters to who? I was just learning about Pen Pals at the time. Sister said write letters to Jesus. Again in my head I said write letters to who? All I knew was Mary the Mother of Jesus was the one who I prayed to. Jesus was my friend. Write letters to my friend Jesus? Yes Sister said. I guess she knew that I was going through something, Everyday I’d come to school by lunchtime I was sad. I guess it was on my face because I sure wasn’t a cry baby. At the time I didn’t have any friends. By the third grade I was deemed to be unfit to “hang out” because I was not a clean cut girl. For me, I did not think that I was poor, maybe more or less unkempt because it was so much stuff going on at home. 

No one ever told me not to tell. It was just assumed fearful of what would happen if I did. Some say feelings don’t matter. The Bible says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. But through my eyes and my heart, the rod was not spared at all. Daddy used it a lot. Nevertheless, physically it hurt but no scars were apparent enough for someone to scream “ABUSE”. The mental scars though would hold me captive for the first half of my life. 

Some things a child never forgets. It is not really what they think in their heads about it. It is always what is in their hearts which is associated with the feeling s of the mishap. For me, life was hard as I lived in fear every day. So much that fear became a part of my expectation to want to live. There were five of us children in the home. All of us experienced Daddy in a different darkness. 

Our address was 1520 north Peach Street. We moved there when I was 5 years old. I went there when we were just looking at the house with the landlord. They picked me up from school and took me there.  I ran through the house like a giddy little girl. I was so excited!  I ran upstairs to the back room. I looked out the back window and saw this gigantic tree. I was so amazed! The back yard was huge. I had never seen anything like that before. I didn’t know that it was ours. That we were going to live there. I was just excited. 

When we finally moved in, it was kind of scary so we all slept downstairs in the living room. Eventually we got our beds and our room. Mommy and Daddy slept in the front room and we slept in the middle room. Daddy used the back room as a rehearsal spot for him and the band. The house was so full of music. I felt so much joy in my heart all the times I heard the band playing. They were good too. I had never been to one of Daddy’s shows. Maybe then I was too young but I sure enjoyed the rehearsals.